My Story (or at least some of it)

I am a daughter, sister, wife, mother and friend. Above all of this I am a true believer and follower of Jesus Christ.

Although, it didn't always used to be this way.

When I was younger I was wreckless and rebellious. I was a deliquent and did many, many things I was not supposed to do. I was very manipulative and had many different faces. I drank and did drugs and witnessed many different things a young person should never have to see. I did believe in God but truly thought He had given up on me and therefore I did not like or respect Him.

Little did I know He had a plan for me.

One day, while drinking myself silly on my balcony with some friends, I heard an inner voice ask me "What the hell are you doing? You deserve so much better than this!" (I believe in treatment they call that a moment of clarity. ) Of course it didn't stop me from drinking that night but it did start a chain reaction of events that lead me to where I am today.

I did check myself into treatment not long after that event and I have been sober every since. That was on March 3, 2000.

Since that time I have graduated from college with a B.S. in Geography specializing in cultures. I have found the love of my life, Jeff, and we got married on May 27, 2006. Very soon after that we got pregnant (surprise!) and we had Gracie on March 17, 2007. We moved to SC in June of 2007 and we had our son, Donovan, on February 10, 2010.

I have been blessed in so many ways. I have the love of a good man, 2 beautiful children, the support and love of a wonderful family and amazing friendships that have lasted through good and bad. I know that God has a purpose for my life and I am so grateful that He has given me a second chance at living.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Life (or lack there of)

I have been hearing a lot of questions lately. Questions people have been asking about life, meaning and purpose. It has really made me think about what I am doing with my life and what I should be doing with my life. What is the purpose of my life? What is the cost of carrying out my purpose? Where do I go from here? What ideas and goals are purely mine and which ones are the ones God has planned for me?
The answer: I don't know. I don't know what my purpose for being here is. I don't know God's great plan for me. I don't know what all I am going to have to do to fulfill my purpose. I don't know what it's going to cost me.

I do know a little bit about who I am today. I am a wife and a mother of 2 beautiful children and I know God has given me that role to fill. He has trusted me with these lives; to care for and to watch over while I am here. I know there is a reason I went through the past that I did and I can only hope my past will allow me to do good with others. I know that God has gifted me with some many talents and abilities; although I don't believe I have discovered all of them yet.

I really feel right now that my life is kind of at a stand still. There are many paths to choose from and some of which I really want to take. Others I feel like I am going to be forced to take even though I don't want to do them. And yet I am not sure which way to go. I have all these dreams and goals I wish to accomplish but I don't know if that is what I am supposed to be doing with my life.
A part of me also feels like my life is not my own. I feel like I am so consumed with others around me and with their needs and schedules that somehow I am getting lost in the mix. And when I do try to take some time for me, I feel as if I am being selfish. And I know that is a horrible way to feel and that I do deserve some "me" time.

I think just overall I just really feel like I don't know where I am going. I know Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior and He will show me the way. I know I need to be patient and open to His plan for me. But I have to admit, while I am being patient, I am starting to feel a little bit alone.

This is going to sound very strange but I kind of feel like Woody from Toy Story 2. (Probably because Gracie has been watching it alot). There is a part in the beginning of the movie when Woody's arm is ripped and Andy's mom places Woody up on the shelf. He is placed there so that he can be mended later.
When the other toys try to talk to him, Woody just curls up and shuts them out. Probably thinking that the other toys won't understand what he is feeling and going through.

That's really how I kind of feel. I am broken and torn. God has placed me on a shelf and will tend to me in His time. Even though that's how it should be, I still feel like I am alone and that others won't understand. (Either that or I need to lay off the Disney movies for a while).
So here I am, up on my shelf and waiting for God to use me as He sees fit. I will continue to go through the motions of my day and keep my heart and mind open to Him. And if I am anything like Woody, not only will I be saved but I will get the opportunity to help save others!

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