A Life Unfinished

It is times like this my heart is so full and yet so broken.  I found out that an old friend of mine, Katy, was killed earlier this year.  When I found this out I immediately broke down and began to cry.
Flashes of memories of our friendship came to mind.  Many good times and laughs, life changing moments shared and tears shed together over the years.  And even though it had been years since we spoke, I still love and miss her.
To find out she is gone and I never really got to say goodbye just causes me emotional and frankly, a little bit of physical pain.  There are many moments we missed in each others lives.  Moments we can now not get back.  Someone chose to cut her life short unexpectedly and because of that things will be left unfinished, until the day comes we will meet again in heaven.
Katy there are so many things I wish I could have said to you.  I am sorry I didn't keep in better contact with you.  Seems like our lives went in separate directions after we finished school.  I have thought about you often and always wanted to best for you.  I have definitely missed your smile and your laughter.  I have missed our talks and our adventures.  And knowing I won't get that back in this life hurts but I do know I will be seeing you again.  Some of my best memories of us are in Yellowstone National Park.  Being wranglers and being able to ride together through some awesome landscape was a dream come true for both of us.  I know though you have the best landscape to ride in now.  You will always hold a special place in my heart-my wrangler in the sky!  I love you babe!  And I am sorry I didn't get to say this before.  Save a ride for me!  I will be looking for you when I come home!

Jasmine

When God created her up in heaven He pulled her aside and said, "Child, I have a special purpose for you."  And she said, "Yes Father."
He sent her to this earth to be with us.  He chose a special family to help Jasmine fulfill her special purpose.
Through her short 2 1/2 years on this earth Jasmine went through much pain and suffering.  And yet this angel did it with love and a smile on her face.  She brought so many people together and showed us all something unique.  She taught me love, thankfulness and faith.  Lessons I continue to learn over and over.
She left us and went home to heaven, where she was met with love.  God said to her, "Well done good and faithful servant."

I know we don't always understand why He does what He does.  I know for me I have so many questions. But I am learning to listen closely and to pay attention.  He will answer all questions in time.
Thank you to God and Jasmine for teaching me love, thankfulness, and faith.  Just when I think I am going strong in these areas of my life, I am shown I can do better.
Thank you to her parents for sharing her to the world.  Such a precious and beautiful gift you were given.  And even though she is home now, she will be seen again.  Through all of us that were touched by her short life and when we enter the gates to heaven.  I know she will be waiting for us!

Photo taken by Jessica V. of Jessica V Photography

Inconvenient

This is something that has been coming up a lot lately for me. Probably has something to do with our series right now in church but also because I am about to make some life changing decisions, including going back to school.

I am very excited about this venture. I know this is what God wants me to do and pursue but when I stop and think about what all it is going to entail, it really starts to feel like an inconvenience. I have so much going on already with life and I really don't need to add one more thing. Especially something big like school.

I have done the 'school thing' before and I know how much work this is truly going to be. I got my Bachelors before I had children and a life that involves more than just me. Now to add that kind of work load on top of my life now is truly an overwhelming thought.

So I have been praying about this and asking God how exactly am I supposed to do this. And basically it comes down to I am going to have to give some things up. Ok...what do I give up? How can I make this change more convenient for me?

The truth is this is going to be inconvenient to my life. Period. Yes I am going to give up doing a few things for a while but there are many things I simply can not just give up.

So I started thinking if Jesus ever felt this way. Was He every overwhelmed with life and what that all entails? Did He ever say we are too inconvenient to pursue and love because His life is just too hectic at the moment? Picture the soldiers coming to take him away to go before Pontius Pilate and Jesus saying, "Ya know this isn't really going to work for me today. I have so much going on right now. Check back with me in about 3 months." (In case you are wondering, that didn't happen.)

The truth is this new adventure is only going to bring me closer to Him. It will be inconvenient in some ways but the rewards far out weigh all the troubles. He gave His all just show how much he loves and believes in me. He created me for a purpose and he has a plan. And I don't want to have the attitude of inconvenience when it comes to His great plan for me.

God's Plan

I know we have all heard that God has a plan but what exactly does that mean? I am sure it means something different for everyone.

I have been going back and forth about what His plan is for me. What should I be doing with my life? For quite sometime now He has been telling me to sit still and wait. Of course I was just reluctant to do this, but after must resistance on my part I did indeed sit still and wait.

After a few months I brought up the topic again to God. I asked Him again what I should be doing with my life. He lead to talk with friends and family to help me. He helped me keep my ears and my mind open (and my mouth shut) so I could listen to what He had to tell me.

Well last night I had a good conversation with God. I was journalling and I remembered (or you could say He nudged me) to take some tests my church and a good friend of mine have been telling me about.

I took these tests online and both of tests showed my spiritual gifts, my personality type, and some jobs I would best be suited for. One of the top jobs is counseling. This is a topic that has been brought up to me many times over the last several years. I have always been interested in this line of work.

So I asked Him if this is what He really wanted me to do. Is this what I am supposed to do? In my heart I believe He said yes.

Then I asked Him "What if I am not very good at it?"

You know what he said? He said, "Why would I design you for something you wouldn't be good at?"

He has a good point!

So I am looking into schooling to get my education and certifications under me. I feel like I am ready to start this journey. If this is where He is leading me, I will follow!

Uncomfortable

I have had some things come up lately that have really just made me uncomfortable. Uncomfortable in some of my surroundings and uncomfortable in my own skin.

I have found myself asking God why we have to experience certain things. Why can't some things just be left alone.

Well sure enough God answered me. Lately I have been reading and studying Romans. An amazing book of the bible packed with so many great tools!

In Romans 5:3-5 it states "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

On the very next page in the CR bible there is a character study. In this particular character study it talks about the trials and sufferings we endure. It says' "As God's children we begin to recognize that the path of trials, when traveled with perseverance, improves our character. And God is more interested in our character than in our comfort. Our improved character may be identified as an informed hope and a deepened experience of God's love. That Christ lives in us becomes apparent when our endurance of suffering differs from that of an unbeliever."

I have heard suffering explained to me many different ways and why we have to suffer in life. All other explanations never made much sense to me.

This explanation made sense! I don't know if I am just more open to it now or what the difference is. I completely understand character building.

So I know now that the things and situations that happen in my life that make me uncomfortable are actually character building exercises. God always wants me to step out of my comfort zone and he works in me to be what he designed me for. It somehow makes some things easier to handle I guess. But I am glad when the tough stuff comes up I have a good teacher by my side!

Celebrate Recovery: Principle 7 Prayer

"Dear God, help me to set aside the hassles and racket of the world, so I can focus my mind and listen just to you for the next few minutes. Help me to get to know you better. Help me to better understand your plan and purpose for my life. Father, help me to live this day within the boundaries of today, seeking your will and living this one day as you would have me live it."

WOW! I was reading my Celebrate Recover bible this evening before bed and this is the prayer I came across while looking over the lesson for this upcoming week. I really, really needed that. This is a prayer I need to repeat everyday. I can so easily get caught up in the day and start to project my thoughts into the future. I need to remember that each day is important and deserves the attention it deserves. Each day is a day the Lord created for us and we should rejoice and be glad in it...just like the song says!

This prayer just really spoke to me tonight because this is what I have been struggling with.

I am so thankful for this program Celebrate Recovery. It is definitely helping me grow and strengthening my relationship with Jesus Christ.

The 31 Year Old Toddler

That's pretty much what I feel like right now. A big baby.

Lately I have been talking to God about the direction I should take with my life. I really feel like I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing with my life. So I have been asking God questions and pursuing different avenues I could go down. All of which I am getting told to sit still and wait. I am right where I am supposed to be at this moment in time. I know this means God is working on his big plan and I should just sit still and wait my turn.

But I don't want too :(

And that's why I feel like a big baby. I feel like I am a toddler and God is just trying to get me to sit still while I keep running around and getting distracted with other things. (and I have a small glimpse on how God feels because I experience that daily with my kids.)

So that's pretty much where I am at. I am going to do His will because I know that is what is best. I usually just screw things up if I do it my way. But that doesn't mean I have to like it right now.

But I know it will all work out perfectly in the end if I just listen and do what I am told.